Prison Quickie!

Pssst. My darlings. I must keep it down as I come to you from my cell in Holloway Prison. My cellmate Lizzie the Lockpick is down the latrine lifting her legs for lags and fags so I thought I'd come online and send out a desperate plea. My ginger foe Winifred Sparrow tracked me down at the Jolie-Pitts on New Year's Eve and planted, dare I say it, HARD DRUGS on me en route to LAX Airport. It's a good job little Shiloh and his new brother Liloh weren't there, they'll put anything in their mouth that doesn't run away - they take after their Mother.

Anyway there I was with newly acquired Parakeet Perrinia and a skateboard I promised my darling nephew Alfonse, marching chin and nose skyward past the economy scum to the front of the boarding queue, when I was ACCOSTED by a broad shouldered beast of a woman called Shoniqua. It appears my case was a veritable pharmacy of Class A's, most of which I wouldn't be caught dead with at my time of life. I mean come on. Once you get to my age, Ketamin is akin to catnip. But after a humiliating encounter with a can of Criscoe and Shoniqua elbow deep whilst eating a Butterfinger bar with her free hand, it transpired that, even though I was clean inside, my troubles had just begun!

As it happens, the skateboard I had bought from a blind prostitute on Venice Beach was filled not with random graffiti as I'd thought, but top secret classified information meant for MI5, not your dear Lesbina. And there was some issue with Perrina being endangered but hell, that dumb bird got thrown over the escalator the minute Shoniqua made her beeline! So now here I am landed in Holloway selling my holiday snaps of Angelina's 'Naked New Year's Eve' party to horny dykes and dodging Debbie the Deep Diver in the dunny. But time is ticking away. The longer MI5 grill me, the closer they will come to realising that, although my skateboard purchase was an unfortunate accident, my history with the secret services runs deep and low. Let's not forget my stint with the KGB in 1982.

So my plea. One of you must find my ex colleague of the night and one time spiritual advisor, Martine Fennel-Teague! The last I heard she was sailing in the Ganges with Betty Boothroyd. She's busted me out of the big house before, she can do it again, sans Boothroyd.

Martine, if you're out there! SOS! Oh and I hear my ex-lover Stephanie Beacham has wound up in Big Brother. And I thought I had problems.

Send help. Send Martine. Lizzie the Lockpick is back. She has a limp. I'm in for it tonight.

God speed x

ps. Happy Cunting New Year.